Epic Failure; The story of "D"

"Don't spend time beating on a wall hoping to turn it into a door." ~ Gabrielle (Coco) Bonheur Chanel

I have thought long and hard about this entry. I think once it is DONE and UP I will have this out of my system and be over this mess I have made. I even went as far as to research the word “Irony”, and found it is often confused with “Coincidence”. I am undecided if the following is “Ironic”, “Coincidence “, “Fate”, or a higher power watching over me. One thing is for certain; the bottom line is; Jeffrey loses yet again. I thought about waiting to post this on Valentine’s day. I decided against it because at the end of the day I DO believe in Love and male bonding; It just doesn’t happen for guys like me. Eventually I will learn this lesson. The opening quote was posted on Facebook by a good friend & came on, NOT ONLY the heels of the events about to be told, but my Birthday as well. And if that wasn’t a slap in the face enough, this blogger posted this entry the very same day. I may live to regret this entry deeply.

Last summer, I met “D” at the bookstore. He walked in very handsome guy…smaller in stature, in the dim light I could tell dark hair and a moustache. He was well dressed, obviously fresh from the clubs in the next city. We made eye contact and I knew he wanted to play...this is at like 5 am ...so this cock blocker bullied his way in...sucked on him for a while and I kind of gave up...sloppy seconds is NOT my style PARTICULARLY behind a troll so the place thins out and this younger guy is there...fat ugly... so HE plays with this guy...then he gets up off his cock and turns to me and says "he wants you to come over" i said "No sloppy 3rds aren’t my style...so the guy gets off and leaves its now just me and “D”... so i sit there for a long time and finally after much coaxing from “D” I go over we play and he cuddles up to me and falls asleep. he was pretty ripped ...so he napped for a while and he gets up to leave and I walk out with him he’s telling me how he "doesn’t get attached to peeps and he’s living with his parents and blah blah blah.." so I’m thinking “Ok no biggie... so ..I don’t know WHY but I give him my phone number and email address NEVER expecting to hear from him again that was Sunday morning...on the following TUESDAY I get an email from “D”...stating he had a great time ect. Ect. so we begin emailing back and forth so he talks me into going to the symposium to get into XX.XXXX civil service jobs...we go and out to lunch after …anyway there’s a bit of a friendship building, and like the complete fool I let my guard drop This is a great guy and seems to really like me…this doesn’t happen to my type guy AT ALL…then the last time I talked to him on FB he was kind of short...so I stopped talking...let HIM talk to me when he’s ready. I also didn’t want to seem pushy. Now I have a small hope of him and I dating or AT LEAST fucking again. so this last conversation took place while I was still down South, so I’m guessing mid-July A week or so before Thanksgiving, “D” posts pix of this guy I kind of know…”T”. I do not like “T”. He is a NOTORIOUS cock blocker at the bookstore, turning his ass up to ANYONE. Any cock that walks in he assumes is HIS if the guys half way decent… SO I message “D” on FB;

• That’s the dude from XXXXXXXXX...new BF?
• "D": yes is that ok.
• good for u well now why would what I think matter?
• "D" I like you and I do value your opinion. how have you been how is mamma.
• well I don’t care for the guy so I reserve my opinion and will hold my tongue I am fine moms fine.
• "D": and why go ahead, I would like to hear.
• why what? nope.
• "D": k cool.
• if I express my opinions it makes me the asshole and to look like a trouble maker so I shall reticent have a good day.
• "D": hmmm I would not think so, he told me folks don’t care for him so whatever you say would just follow that suit..
• nope I say nothing. just sad I got no shot at that cock again but oh well.
• "D": ?why.
• Committed means just that …COMMITTED.
• "D": so what do you not like about him?.
• can u not see that? have u not seen this situation before?
• "D": every side has a story and yours would be just one side, i am a big boy i should be able to take care of myself do me one favor tho if you do see him there without me tell him to get his ass home:)and yes I do understand and appreciate your side.
• I’m not telling him anything...and for the record when u tell him u talked to me and I know you will because I know how queens roll....the first thing out of his mouth is gonna be OH WELL HE WANTED ME AND I WOULDNT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH HIM AND HES PISSED OFF BLAH BLAH BLAH.. And that is not the case; quite the opposite as a matter of fact, as I never found him attractive at all nor did I EVER hit on him....now this conversation is DONE have a merry Christmas...

Now....I got very upset because I guess I REALLY liked “D” more than I thought… I brood over the situation a couple days and friends kept telling me to tell him how I felt. I am not good at expressing feelings I NEVER EVER use…what do I do? How do I do it? But I DO like this guy…So I tried…and as I typed out the email I got madder and madder…I told him pretty much what I thought of him;

OK this is what I don’t get dude; The last time I spoke with you on Facebook, you were kinda short and curt with me so I thought “ok..Give him some room he’s not having a good say or something”…and that was months ago. The night we met and played at XXXXXXXXX…we left and was talking and you said u never got too attached to anyone. You said you were moving with your parents to FLA. You said you had very little time for anything other than taking care of your parents and trying to make a living in real estate. Now the taking care of the parents , I can see as I am in somewhat the same situation…but…You obviously told me a lot of things that I am now seeing just aren’t true. I really liked you a lot; was hoping to get to know you much better… No I was not interested in setting up housekeeping…more along the lines of ‘good friends with benefits’. So now, from what I gather re-reading the conversation we had 11DEC2010 in Facebook, you and this new boyfriend of yours have plenty of time to go to the ABS in XXXXXXXXX. WOW how things change. . If you didn’t enjoy my sexual company why didn’t you just say so? Why couldn’t you have just been honest? I wouldn’t have been angry as I am now…I know I’m a bit older and nowhere near model appearance, and I could tell from your pictures on facebook that I wouldn’t have fit into your little circle of friends. But Jesus Christ man, am I so beneath you that you had to lie? As I said I really liked you a lot, and thought you were a really great guy, but now the mask is off and under it is just another common garden-variety queen…I wish you well and happiness with the new BF.

I shouldn't have been so nasty. I should have NEVER let my guard down or ANYONE in. I should have just seen the handwriting on the wall and let it go... He replied and I deleted it unread and figured that would be that; I figured he would delete me off his FB…But NO…he DOESN’T…so I’m thinking OK WHATEVA and let it go…now all of a sudden he’s “Liking” my comments ect and I got this request from him to add me to his Birthday Calendar…I don’t understand at all…I’m confused. Why the sudden interest in me, what I post and what I think?? I have had these feelings numbed and shut off for so many years that I am at a total loss what to think. Does he like me as a friend or a potential date? I never figured it out…Before he started dating “T” I sent several IM’s via FB, over the entire course of this whole ordeal asking if he wanted to go do something. Dinner, The clubs, SOMEthing together to get to know one another a bit. They went unanswered. Finally I sent one saying “meet me at the bookstore I wanna suck that cock!” This one DID get answered; “I can’t I have to take care of my parents.” Now I cannot fault him here; I am in a similar situation, and can appreciate home responsibilities, when one is an only child… This should have been a red flag to me. Unanswered IM’s? Instant excuses? I shoulda known better, but my guard was not only down it was gone…

...“I do have very definite opinions about dating”...

So Thanksgiving and Christmas come and go. “T” is in the bookstores every other day. I can’t understand HOW this can be. Does this fool WORK?? I learned first that he did work a specific job…then was told he worked a different job…then “D” tells me he’s unemployed. How on earth does the unemployed afford trips from ANOTHER STATE to go into these places? I certainly can’t… But I digress…People, who know I don’t like him, keep me informed so I don’t waste $10 to watch someone else have some fun. I learned what vehicle he drives so I know if I pull into the parking lot to just move on. Realizing once again that this blog is all about lust and sex… I do have very definite opinions about dating. I do not understand this at all. If you are seeing someone then you got no business at an adult bookstore giving your hole and mouth to anyone that will have it. It’s not fair to the other person. It’s not right at all. "ItzALSex2Me" is internet name, BUT that does not mean that it’s ALL sex to everyone. When emotions are involved, you damn well better THINK about what you are doing to the other person. Lack of respect. Lack of TRUE caring. BUT it’s being done and I know that “D” is going to be hurt terribly, and there’s not a goddamn thing I can do about it.

Now I have said my piece. I can really do nothing more. I have lost. Love, “D”, & “T” -1; ItzAlSex2Me-0. My usual score. Then about a week ago some information comes to me. “T” has angered the owners of the ABS. Apparently he’s is staying past the 8 hr. time limit and not paying. The ABS started this policy to stop the guys who go in on Friday nights, and stay until Sunday nights. Again, I am brooding over what to do. This is proof he’s still going still cheating on “D”. If I tell him I look like an asshole stirring up trouble. I am already bitter towards “D” and kinda nasty to him what few times we talk, which makes things worse. Has “D” been stringing me along all this time? Am I being played? I don’t know; this is still an unanswered question in my mind. I ping-pong back and forth between “Do I tell” and “NO stay out of it…" So I do what I think is right; I sent an IM via FB telling him I hear his “husband” got in trouble at the ABS. this went unanswered as I figured it would. The next morning I get an IM and 2 emails asking me to call;

Hey Buddy, Got your message give me a call when you get a chance. XXX-XXX-XXXX

• "D": Happy Day Before your Birthday.
• TY
• "D": Really, I need to talk to you for just a min

So I call and he of course asks whats going on. I told him the owners are getting tired of his "husband" staying in the peeps in the bookstore days on end and they confronted him about it...which is what I was told. The conversation was short and then spilled back into IM...Then several emails back and forth, one of which he states "I met "T" when I was drunk...What's that say for me?" I am immediately stunned that he said this because he was drunk when he met ME...so this all finally culminating here;

• i cannot believe u just said that to me... so...on further contemplation here...I take it from ur statements that the bookstores are a place that u go when u are DRUNK and that dude is just bookstore trash and so am I , I take it...hmmmm
• "D": no i am saying i have to be drunk to have sex
• "D": yes i have issues
• "D": There are tons of places to meet guys, not, here are our choices:
  1. Bookstore
  2. Bar
  3. Beach
  
  4. Bathhouse
  5. Bed and Breakfast
  6. Bathrooms
  
  I mean the list goes on and on. We are in Kentucky and that sucks for us. It would be nice if we lived somewhere else some other planet where it was a little easier to be out and about and just marvel at someone and date and buy a white picket fence and just be happy as a lark. That ain't going to happen. I am trying to be calm and nice about the whole thing but I am just tired of letting my gaurd down and showing someone that i care and being shit on. I have no judgement of you in a negative way what so ever. I have told you several times that i like you. I was leaning toward love when i finally broke a brick or two and let XXXXX in. Oh, well. If you want to continue misdirecting everything I say and be negative and bitter then fine. I am trying to be nice. Fuck me for trying.
• well ...dude...im sorry...I broke a brick or two also when i let my OWN guard down (something I NEVER do with ANYone) and told u how I felt in the email around thanksgiving. It is virtually impossible to hurt my feelings but somehow you managed and I guess my negative/bitter is lashing out...I'm sorry I do apologize. Any feelings I felt towards u beyond friendship died with that last email. I should ahve NEVER told you about XXXXX and what the clerk at the bookstore told me. again probably subconsiously lashing out. but its in the past. all i can do is say I'm sorry. and I am sorry for the situation you are in.

I had asked him somewhere in the midst of this to look at this blog to make sure it RENDERS right...as in appearance. I guess he thought i meant READS right because a bit later on I get this email;

• "D": Whats the link
• link to what? My blog?
• "D": Yes
• well im surprised..i figured u were thru with me. THis is my sex blog...I set it up so when im too old to chase cock i can read and re live...this is most definitely NOT worksafe
  itzalsex2me.blogspot.com
• "D": I think I made it thru the whole thing. I did talk to "T". He denied it. I did not mention you, but think it wise to de friend you for now. He may hook up with a friend of a friend and find out you are a friend of mine on here. I am tired and have a head ache. I have one question have you ever seen me on any the sites you visit

What? "I have one question have you ever seen me on any the sites you visit" So "D" & "T" are camming on Cam4 now apparently. How nice. No concern for how I feel nor what I think; just "Have you seen me". Perish the thought some of his pretentious High-class friends or co workers find out his dirty little secret;

wow....cam sites and never let me see...man oh man....i have got to be the single biggest idiot on the planet...no I havent seen u and what if i did? its not like i havent seen ur cock and hole before...man...have a great life dude...He's not gonna stay outta the bookstores count on it...Happy goddamn birthday to me...

And so it ends...Not with a bang nor a wimper, but a simple click of the "Unfriend" button in Facebook. Unlike "Mr. Steed", who said at the end of his entry entitled "Failure"; "Sometimes out of failure grow the seeds of success. " I see no seeds of success coming for me or guys like me. Anyone who may have read this far must understand that I do not write this to hurt "D"...I bear him no ill-will and hope his situation works itself out. Digitally chronicling this seems to be my only recourse to get this out of my system and be done. Shit like this happens every time I let my guard down... "D" tells me he "likes me". I guess that meant in a friendship way. I don't know, I don't understand what just happened; I guess I never will. For days now I have beat myself up over this. What did I do wrong? I know I was nasty to him; I was given reason to be. I was lead to believe there was potential for more than just a friendship. "D" is really a great guy, and Maybe I misunderstood...Did I? I'm nicer looking than that freak he has now, and I sure as hell wouldn't CHEAT...I don't believe for a hot minute That "no i am saying i have to be drunk to have sex". This was an enormous insult to my intelligence. Where did I go wrong? I have pondered & brooded over this for days now. If It weren't for Peter and Bradley to talk with, I would be a bigger mess than I am now...Thanks so much guys, for tolerating me...

I think in life we are all responsible for our own happiness. the cliche` “ Life is what you make it” is very true at times. Life will be hard & seem unfair, But unless you have a Fairy God Mother (What an analogy for a Gay man to use...Sheesh!) the only person who can change things is you. Once I can stop seeing myself as a victim of the bad, I can take it as a lesson learned & push foward. The only reasonable conclusion (lesson) is this; It's very easy to have sex in an adult bookstore with a less attractive, heavyset man than one a person would meet in a bar or a club, ect. Its only sex. You can walk away from that person, sexually satisfied, never having to see them again, and continue your vane search for someone who looks like a model or a movie star. And if this person gets hurt? What the fuck! Who cares? It's just some guy in an adult bookstore...Right? In this particular case, I was traded DOWN for a piece of trash, who still haunts the bookstores behind "D's" back. "D's" only mistake was contacting me after the first time we met, or if there was no intention of ANYthing beyond a friendship it should have been made clear. So I let my guard down, "broke a brick or two" out of the "wall" I keep up, let someone get to me emotionally, and got 'played' like a bass violin yet again...In a small way I guess I do owe "D" a small debt of gratitude. He awakened emotions within me that I havent felt in literally years. I guess, (in a twisted sorta way...) it's a good thing that I am so sad, bitter, and betrayed because I know I can feel, I am human, & I am alive...sort of a "System Check" to make sure everything is functioning properly. This ain't my first trip to this rodeo. It probably won't be my last. The "wall" has been torn down & replaced with "Force shields", stronger and wiser than the "wall". My emotions are once again frozen in a state of suspended animation. The Universe will provide me with exactly what I need exactly when I need it. As for "D" & "T"...I will rely on Karmic reciprocation to take care of business, and pray "D" isnt hurt badly. Karma can be a serious bitch sometimes...

P.S.:




Today, 08FEB, I was somewhere and hear an old OLD song called "Lead Me On" by Maxine Nightingale. The lyrics go "Come on and lead me on... Come on and tease me all night long... Loving you, I know it's right I'll always need you I'll never leave you"...I immediately thought of this post. "Loving you, I know it's right..."??? Bullshit! Never ever was the urge to beat a radio with a ball peen hammer so strong...